Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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