Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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