wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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