wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
