My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
