dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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