New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
