Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
