My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I want her autograph on my taint
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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