Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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