Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
