theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
