He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
