She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
