If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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