I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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