I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
