hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
