just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
