I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
