i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
