i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize