Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
