There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
