I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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