went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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