Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
