You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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