apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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