dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
