He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
