He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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