WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
