sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
