i permit you to call me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
