How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
