Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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