great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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