Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
