We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
