Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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