ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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