you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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