i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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