I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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