we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
