If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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