So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
