He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
