i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
