I think im going to throw up on grandma
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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