So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
