You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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