Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
