I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
